ooooga boooga....6/6/06 is coming

From The Sun Newspaper:

Woman balks at having 6/6/6 'devil' baby

CAVERSHAM, England, May 30 (UPI) -- A woman in England due to give birth on June 6 is fighting with her hospital to induce her sooner to avoid delivering on the demonic date of 6/6/6.

Melissa Parker, 30, said as a fan of "The Omen," a movie about a demonic child, she's genuinely concerned about the numerology involved, The Sun reported Tuesday.

"I'm terrified the birth will go wrong or the child will have evil in him or her," Parker said. "Even worse my beautiful baby could be the devil himself -- the anti-Christ."

A perfectly rational fear.

History is, after all, simply teeming with accounts of past infestations of demon infants that cropped up whenever a day comprised of three sixes rolled round on the calendar.

I recall reading somewhere that there are three demons still alive from the last batch born in 1906. All three are in nursing homes, withering away, and waxing nostalgic to anyone who will listen about their glory days as instigating forces behind such evils as the stock market crash, the Holocaust, Bob Segar records, and the birth of Jerry Falwell.

The Sun tabloid is only slightly more respectable than Weekly World News, so I assume the story of this dipshit woman is "creative reporting". A relief, frankly, as the thought of such stupidity actually being prevalent in my beloved England is physically painful.

Had this story, however, been about an American woman, I wouldn't be inclined to so easily dismiss it, for the simple fact that we are up to our necks in twaddling nutjubs over here.

There's nary a 2 mile stretch without a church of some kind in my neck of the woods. People take their religion very fucking seriously here. Which would be fine if their beliefs didn't very fucking seriously affect my life here.

It's discouraging and maddening to see such unquestioning devotion to something that, due to lack of all proof to the contrary, is, essentially, a fairytale. The Big Daddy In The Sky watches over us, gives us rules to live by, and, if we do good, rewards us with riches and lets our football team win the big game.

It all has such a cozy, tucked-up-in-bed feeling, doesn't it?

But, like everything, it's got a dark side. We see traces of it in the story of this woman, afraid of a number on a calendar. All too often, it goes much, much darker.

I would bet money that, if a study were done in American hospitals, it would show an increase in the number of c-sections and inducements in the days leading up to June 6th of this year.

And I can't help wondering how many women, warped by years of heavy religious indoctrination, have had (or have been encouraged to have) abortions within the last year simply because they'd been given the most undesirable due date of all.

Which, in that circumstance, could perhaps be a fetus' best option. Because if you're walking around thinking there's a chance you might birth the antichrist, aborting it would probably be less damaging than you raising it.

Full article - with picture of the terrified mum-to-be here

This'll be in your head a few hours. Caution advised

Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis

The Stephen Colbert problem

While it is irrestistably tempting to giggle and assume that Tom Delay is a pop-culture illiterate who misses entirely the point of the mockery so inherent in Stephen Colbert's nightly show, I just don't think he is that stupid.

I do believe, however, he thinks voters are.

Perhaps, in this case, he might be right.

In the days after Colbert's legendary, jaw-dropping performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner, a search through the comments section on any political blog would reveal more than a few relieved lefties admitting that the speech had finally convinced them that Colbert was not actually a Bush conservative.

While Jon Stewart's televised reactions to Bush administration exploits --wide-eyed shock, rapid head-shaking, outbursts of maniacal laughter-- do little to mask his political bias, Colbert plays it stoic and aloof, giving absolutely no hint that he's just kidding.

He typically stares down liberal guests with that eyebrow arched to absurd heights, and uses interview techniques that, when read, could very easily be imagined happening on Fox news.

An excerpt from his interview with James Webb, a Vietnam veteran running for Senate as a Democrat:

Webb: The United States should not be bogged down as an occupying power in that part of the world [Iraq].

Colbert: But we're not an occupying power, we're a liberating power. Or haven't you been reading the newspapers?

..

Colbert: Are you saying we shouldn't have gone to war in Iraq?

Webb: I don't think we should have gone into Iraq, no.

Colbert: So you do not think we should have liberated the Iraqi people? You'd rather see them under Saddam? Saddam is good to you.

Webb: Umm...no...I..

Colbert: I'm just saying that's what you just said.

The audience laughs, as do his guests (albeit uneasily), but Colbert remains stone-faced and firmly entrenched in his character: a loyal, sincere patriot, determinedly marching on to do his part to save our threatened nation from the america-hating, patchouli-wearing, Democrats.

Americans are, by nature, direct, straight-forward people. The subtlety and nuance in irony is not widely practiced and revered here, as it is in, say, Great Britain. Therefore many Americans are simply incapable of detecting it.

So it would be advantageous for a badly-injured politician, like Delay, to try and capitalize on that gap in our collective psyche to not only regain some ground, but hopefully also soak up some of Colbert's desperately-needed "cool" factor in the process.

After all, the Bush administration was able to create a bizarre alternate reality for themselves for the last 4 and 1/2 years that we are still decades away from truly understanding.

We should not be surprised that, in these dark Republican days, they are still looking for fresher markets to twist and manipulate for their own self-preservation.

And the problem with Colbert, is that he makes it easier to be usurped by them because he is so fiendishly good at what he does.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are comedians. And their first loyalty is to their comedy and their audience. But we, those of us out here in bizarro-world, as sad as this is to admit, are looking at these two men as being amongst our brightest beacons of light to lead us out of this fog.

So when the enemy starts sniffing around one of 'em, it kinda gets the hackles up.

Bush and his guys have the three governing branches, they're stocking the courts in their favour as fast as they can, and they have got the press in a head-lock.

Funny that they should have all those bases covered, yet still need Comedy Central.

The tragic flaw of the velvet rope

Being almost 40 and gainfully employed, I'm not very hip to minor Hollywood types, so until a few days ago, I'd never heard of Brandon Davis.

Evidently, apart from being Mischa Barton's ex-boyfriend, he is the heir to a vast oil fortune, and, judging by the widely-circulated paparazzi video featuring his comments abouts Lindsay Lohan, he is also a complete gaping asshole.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching the videos taken by photographers who hound celebrities as they shop, go to dinner, or out to clubs. It's a window into a strange and fascinating world.

Despite the fact that nearly every one of these little strumpets and cads seem vapid and devoid of any redeeming qualities, the reality is that their exploits are followed by millions of Americans.

Perhaps, in a variation on an old chestnut, we get the celebrities we deserve. If that's true, it certainly says something about us that we get Paris Hilton.

The lovely Ms. Hilton was featured prominantly in the video with Mr. Davis. In it, he is, we must charitably assume, drunk, and spewing obscenely graphic and tasteless insults about Ms. Lohan's genitalia. Paris follows behind him, laughing far too loudly, and occasionally whispering into his ear, presumably egging him on.

But it's near the end of his tirade that we see just what a sub-human he really is when he is seated in Hilton's expensive sports car, smoking a cigarette and heavy-lidded, and he tells us that Lindsay Lohan has 7 million dollars which means "she's really poor".

The implication of that, of course, is that Lohan is poor in comparison to himself (and Hilton) who stands to inherit much, much more. Yeeeikes.

And that's where he got himself into trouble. If he'd just stuck to his 4th grade pussy jokes, this probably would have been dismissed as him being a drunken idiot. But he took it somewhere that rich people are obliged not to take it.

We po' folk assume that, in private and amongst others of their kind, the rich glorify in their wealth. They roll around naked in large piles of dirty, dirty money, and they raise their crystal stemware and smile knowingly to one another whilst flying in their private planes and dining on their sumptuous meals prepared by world-famous chefs.

But in public, they are supposed to pretend like it doesn't matter. That the money doesn't make them different, or better than the rest of us. We (and they) know it's just a lie, but we expect them keep their end of the facade up.

Brandon Davis broke the rule, and one brave, raven-haired prole made him pay the price for it.

Catching him as he was coming out of a club, the unidentified woman verbally accosted Brandon with a string of piercing insults that drew far more blood than any of the borderline-retarded remarks he made about Lohan.

"Lindsay Lohan earns her money, Brandon. You get it from daddy."

Her attack was relentless and vicious, several times calling him a "little bitch".

In full view of cameras, he could risk no further damage to his reputation. So he did nothing but walk away, taking all of her venom silently with him.

And no one --not any of the dozens of people milling around, not even his friends-- no one stepped up to defend him.

Gas prices are not high enough.

And they won't be until all the 4x4 behemoths are off the highway.

I do not arrive at my anti-big-vehicle standpoint as a result of some crazed belief that Global Warming is on the horizon. It might very well be, but I just can't see that it's a result of anything that we puny humans are putting into the air.

If anything, I believe it's a natural phenomenon and indicative of the fact that everything in nature is cyclical. And much like those fucking killer bees that I have been waiting for since the mid '70's, it probably ain't gonna affect me in my lifetime.

What does have a far more immediate affect on me is the fact that these Hummers and Dodge Rams (oh..has there ever been a more apt name for a vehicle?) are driven by individuals who clearly are suffering from a loss of control in some area of their lives and are compensating for it through scary, aggressive driving.

I drive a teeny, tiny little Scion XA which is the cutest, most wonderful car that has ever rolled upon the earth. But if one of these spare-bedroom-on-wheels ever hits me, I will be liquified.

Just the other night, some SUV-driving-tiny-dick passed me on the right shoulder of a two-lane main street. And that motherfucking cocksucking asshole prickhead needs to be punished (in a way that won't entail me breaking a nail, or a sweat).

So in homage to John Ashcroft, I sing:

"Let the gas price sooooaaar,
like it's never sooooared before
from rocky coast to golden shooooore
let the mighty gas price sooooaaar...."

Here's hoping we'll reach $3.99 at some point this summer. In Jesus' name I pray....

Elliotts are always good guys

It was a little heartbreaking to see Elliott Yamin sent home.

The video clip from the visit to his hometown was sweet; throwing out the first pitch in a baseball game, meeting the governor, and his mother, overwhelmed & weeping in the parade car.

Then his lovely, bewildered reaction, in a poignant display of his modesty, to the middle-aged female customer at the pharmacy he once worked for, who squeals and tells him how nervous she is: "Why? I'm the same guy who used to work here, man."

And just when you think you can't like the guy any more, the video concludes and the camera cuts back to Elliott live on stage, and we see his face streaked with tears, touched by the visual reminder of just how much this experience has given him.

Loved that.

He must have sensed he was going home, because, unlike the dead-eyed-stare-of-shock that Chris "too cool for muthafuckin school" Daughtry gave us, Elliott seemed happy and more than satisfied when he went to stand with Ryan after the results were revealed.

In a country where you can't walk 20 feet without encountering some obnoxious jackass who thinks they are The Best! Number One! A Winner!, it's awful damn refreshing to see someone be genuinely grateful and appreciative to have just gotten close enough for a near miss.





As for who will win - I'm sticking with my original prediction that Kat will walk away the winner. For the following reasons:

#1. She is being heavily discounted against Taylor
#2. Taylor has never once been in the bottom two
#3. She seems more pliable, and more "lite-rock-fm" friendly than Taylor
#4. Of the two, I want Taylor to win, and I never get what I want in these matters.

Thus, it's gonna be Katharine.

Will Karl Rove Fucking Get Indicted, Already?!?!

Not because I want to glorify in the further destruction of this woefully mismanaged and incompetent administration...well, okay, maybe I do. But that's not the main reason.

No. The real reason I'm waiting for the chubby funster to be brought up is because I can't wait to see Patrick Fitzgerald, the greatest American Hero, the Dudley Do-Right to our collective Nell Fenwick, and all-round nummy, yummy, hot-ass stud, do this...:



...on TV again.

Oh God, I love him so. What I wouldn't give for a weekend to spend trying to corrupt him.

United 93

I expected something from this film. I'm not sure what, exactly, but...something.

A really good film will haunt us for a day or two. But United 93 provoked so little thought, that upon waking the next morning, it was several hours before I even remembered that I'd seen it the previous day.

It's very sad (although not surprsing), that the first mainstream cinematic rendering of the attack is so tepid and unchallenging. It's merely a chronological rehash: beginning with a scene of Arabic-speaking men in a hotel room, praying and performing grooming rituals, and ending in a chaotic push of terrified passengers into the cockpit.

The script relies heavily on well-documented news reports and interviews with people closely involved. It doesn't teach us anything new, it offers no original insight, and it does not have a point of view. It is simply the re-telling of a story that every single one of us certainly remembers all too vividly.

Thus, one is left with the question: why was this film even made?

Perhaps it's because the film-makers believe that most Americans prefer to be entertained, rather than be expected to think about the issue and it's deeper implications. If that's so, then the film achieved it's objective.

The acting was good, the setting was realistic, the story line was tense & gripping. So in that sense, it's a really good film.

But for the fact that it's about the most significant event that most Americans alive today have ever witnessed, it fails by focusing merely on the spectacle of September 11th.

Thanks to television and the Internet, we were all there on that awful Tuesday morning. And nothing from Hollywood can ever hope to surpass the horror of watching the event unfold right before our very own eyes.

But what if we were to find out who is at fault for allowing it to happen? Because someone somewhere dropped the ball; a mistake resulting in the deaths of nearly 3000 people.

Certainly if this film had dared to ask that question (or any of a number of other questions still unanswered about the attack), it's existence might then be justified. But it didn't, and the result is a movie that feels cheap and exploitative.

Womb for rent

This commentary by John Gibson is.....wow.

At first I was shocked soley by the blatant racism of his statements - warning whitey that if we don't start producing children, we'll be the minority in a couple short decades.

However, it's frightening to realize that what it really is, is an open acknowledgement that we'll need plenty of bodies to use in the future as we enter into what will surely be a long, hard war with Islamists.

Sigh.

It's all so very frustrating. We have all these people who supposedly want us dead, and I still have no fucking idea why they hate us!

Did they announce it when I was out of the room, or something? Does anyone know why??
Help a girl out....

Nice, but it ain't quite Limbaugh

Conservative radio talk show radio host admits he was wrong about Bush

Well, it's far too little, far too late, and the damage has been done, and we will all be dealing with the aftermath of Bush's rampant fuck-uppery for decades, but still - yay for us.

It was a very eloquent speech, and I do give Mr. McIntyre credit for his honesty. Of course, he isn't in any grave danger of being pilloried as an America-hating traitor (what with so many rats leaving the ship these days), so, unlike in the euphoric afterglow of watching Stephen Colbert's speech at the press club dinner, I'm not even remotely inclined to offer any oral gratification in thanks for his bravery.

Still, it's always nice to have another pinch of vindication for my collection. So thank you, Mr. McIntyre. Too bad you're so late to come around. You might have been able to use your voice to help prevent us from being in a hole quite this deep.

You've got some ground to make up.

So get to steppin' - pronto! It's been a few days since Bush has done something insane or stupid. He's overdue.

That's MISTER Colbert to you, punk

I'm a huge Stephen Colbert fan, and enough of a pathetic nerd that I honestly couldn't wait to watch The White House Correspondents Dinner on C-Span. On a Saturday night. Alone. With a cat. Sigh.

My loserdom notwithstanding, I settled in and waited for the big guy to take the mic. I felt a sense of unease. Being an unabashed worshipper of anything Daily Show, the thought of one of my little Godlets turning in a bad performance at a high-falutin' event is painful. And with Bush in attendance, I wondered if Stephen would crack under the pressure and be the first of the bunch to show his mortality.

A quarter of the way in, I began to wonder if he had a death wish:

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message: that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Fucking hell!

I was bathed in the comforting glow of my own television set, and my stomach was in knots from tension. Yet Stephen was delivering barb after poisoned-tip barb directly to the Leader of the Free World in a very public setting, and there wasn't a single bead of sweat, nor the slightest tremor in his hands.

Even when he botched a set up, he took a moment, regrouped, and carried on. It was a masterful performance from someone who, it should be noted, has neither the reputation, nor the experience of other humourists or political satirists that could have been hired for this event.

It's amusing to see Bush sympathizers try to level the sting of his performance by making the accusation that he simply wasn't funny. Okay, fine. Some didn't think he was "funny". But funny is subjective and can't be argued.

What can be argued is whether or not Stephen's points hit their mark. And I have yet to see anyone in the Bush camp stepping up to claim they didn't.

There have been cries (no real tears, though - the big fakers) that it "went too far" and was "disrespectful" to the prez. To which I say, hey - these are serious fucking times we are living in! Thanks, in large part, to this current administration's behaviour, everyone is out for blood.

Stephen Colbert and his mighty, mighty balls of truth stepped into the ring and tossed a few jabs of his own. And he did himself, his show, the Jon Stewart legacy, and the people of this nation whose voices have been effectively stifled the past 4 years, very proud indeed.