Madonna, please, I beg of you, put some fucking fat in your diet!

A Cheeto, a chocolate-covered peanut, something to put a little softness in that bag of glass shards you call a body.

Cut off the head of this picture, and you got an 80 year old immigrant leaving an osteoporosis clinic with tennis balls in her bra.

I'm sorry to be so cruel about it, but I just can't take it anymore.



I give her well-deserved kudos for being disciplined and dilligent. If she were an athlete and showed up on my ESPN, all muscle and bulging vein, running a marathon, that would be fabulous and appropriate.

But she is an entertainer. As should be obvious by now, I don't watch ESPN because I don't particularly enjoy looking at athletic bodies. So every time I catch a glimpse of Madonna on whatever non-sport medium I am invariably watching, I literally wince because she is so rigid and hard (on the eyes).

I realize I'm sounding petulant and rather like my personal tastes should dictate what goes for everyone. But you've gotta understand, I've had over 20 years of dealing with this woman.

When she initially foisted herself upon our innocent world, I didn't like her because her music was trite, she couldn't sing, and I found her brazen self-confidence obnoxious.

But she had two saving graces: she was relatively attractive and danced very well. And I readily admit to enoying watching her videos when I was in high school. So clearly, despite my contempt, it's evident that I was able to endure her presence with marked civility.

But now she's completely crossed the line.

Her music is still trite, she still can't sing, her self-confidence shows no sign of abating, she has becoming laughably pretentious about her "art" and religious beliefs, and, in her final 'Fuck you' to good taste and decency, she has become stomach-churningly --aggressively-- unattractive.

Honestly, Cheetos would help. It won't make the problem go away, of course, but it would help.

Ideally, the most gracious thing for her to do, to repay us for all of the attention she's demanded from us for two decades, would be for her to go and quietly wither into her old age somehwere private. Or at least hang up the fucking leotard.

But we all know that graciousness is not one of her virtues. That old bitch ain't going anywhere she don't wanna go without being shoved.